Hey. Hello. Bonjour. Ciao. My beloved readers, I am so sorry that I've been horribly MIA for the past few months. The last time since I've blogged, it was after a spontaneous trip to Switzerland, and since then, I've focused on many things, the most important of them all being graduating. With my graduating quickly approaching, there really wasn't much time to fool around and procrastinate. Thus, I had to fervently dedicate my time in finishing the semester and the year well because how I finished depended on whether I would be admitted in grad school. As a result, my online actively has been sparse, and erratic, thereby making blogging temporarily unavailable.
In the meantime, I would also be travelling to Canada and Virginia, so I had to finish exams and essays, all while flying 8000 km. Returning to Canada was lovely, until the jet lag wore off and I was confronted with a strange mixture of emotions. Ranging from repulsion, happiness, anger, and sadness, I wasn't entirely sure what to make of what I was feeling. My God, I lived here for sixteen years and now coming back, it almost felt foreign, is what kept going through my head. I can recall vividly my life in Canada and what I did, but returning to my home and native land, it didn't quite feel like that anymore. And that really frightened me. I was looking forward to eating my favourite foods, like Timbits, speaking English all the time, and knowing that I wasn't a stranger in my own land. Yet, a few days after landed, I was perplexed that the current face of Toronto, of Canada, of my memories of my country, did not match up with what I was currently seeing or experiencing. This subsided, however, when my sister and I saw OneRepublic in concert. Singing all my favourite songs with my ultimate favourite artist was such a euphoric experience that whatever complex and puzzling emotion I was feeling suddenly blended in the background, unable to be perceived. After all, this wasn't about me musing on my past life, but rather experiencing it in the present.
After the high I experienced of seeing OneRepublic in concert, I was unfortunately faced with having to write final papers and finish final exams, all while packing for Virginia. I attempted to sort through my mixed feelings about being in Canada after living in Europe for a year and filtering everything through fresh eyes and perspectives, yet that was put on hold because I was now struggling to ascertain how I felt that I was graduating. I was graduating university. Four years have passed by, whizzed by like a blink. Without warning or precaution, it arrived, whether I was willing to accept that fact or not. Suddenly, a new wave of emotions swept over me, indulging my senses, yet pulling me in a deep pit of nostalgia. I was recalling everything that I did during my freshman, sophomore, and junior year of college, what I accomplished, what I failed miserably in, the mistakes I've made, the goals I made, and all the memories I've ever made at this precious place. Despite having 10 days at my disposal to spend time with my friends, it certainly wasn't enough. It was akin to a young child separating from his mother for the first time: frightening, exciting, nerve-wracking, and unapologetically intimidating. I was faced with visceral sensations of not wanting to leave, sensing that I wanted more time with my friends and peers, and wondering how in the actual world that 4 years passed by that quickly. I could remember walking through campus for the first time thinking that I had so much time at my disposal, that 4 years would be a long time, that 2015 was far away, yet here it was. Here I was, walking for my commencement ceremony, joining my fellow graduates in accomplishing a major feat in our lives. It was when I left campus for the very last time that I finally comprehended the gravity of the situation, bidding a fond farewell to the place that was my home for 3 years and to people who would remain in my heart forever. I wasn't ready for this; school didn't prepare me for the heart-wrenching adieu I would eventually pay when I would exit. In that precise moment, I was overwhelmed with appreciation, gratitude, and joy that I was given the utter privilege of knowing the people at my school and that their gift of friendship has touched my life in immeasurable ways.
Afterward, I partook in an excellent tradition that follows any graduation: going to Disney. I have to disclose something first: if you're not as excited, probably if not more excited that the three year olds on the park grounds, then you're doing it wrong. When I met my absolute favourite Disney princess of all time--Ariel--I nearly lost my shit. I suddenly forgot how to compose myself like a well-grounded university graduate because I was meeting the Disney characters that was the epitome of my freaking childhood. I squealed, I hugged, and I forgot how to compose myself because I was standing next to Cinderella and meeting Rapunzel. Although my youngest sister sheepishly telling Anna and Elsa how much she loved them, it was her riding the Space Mountain roller coaster that made smile to myself. A six year old telling me that a roller coaster wasn't that scary, but it was a little scary because of all the lights and how dark it was. Disney World revives all sorts of feelings that you didn't know you could feel, like being speechless when meeting Goofy and even though you know that there are people in costume, they are real to you. And so, this was indeed a perfect end to a wonderful chapter in my life.
When I returned to Canada after a whirlwind two weeks in America, I kept thinking that I had finish an assignment, only to realize that I am a graduate and I had nothing to do. It was a strange feeling, not having to do any school. Of course, that would only last until October because another chapter of my life will soon begin. Since my nature is one that plans ahead, I have been preparing for this since January, with application deadlines, organizing documents to be sent, and finding a place to live. In the fall, I will attend grad school to further my studies in Psychology and my relocation this time will be in London, UK. When people would ask me what I'd be doing after graduation, I told them that I was going to grad school and working, their next question was where. Almost unanimously, their response would be along the lines of: wow, that's so cool; that's so exciting; or good for you! But what I was thinking was what the hell did I get myself into again? Once again, I found myself preparing to move to a place and country I've never visited. I had never once gone to the UK (unless you count a three-hour layover in Heathrow on route to Munich), but I would be moving there. So while people were congratulating me, I was having mini freak out sessions in my mind because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. All I knew is that I wanted to go to grad school, be in a country where people predominantly spoke English, and live in Europe. I had never thought that I would be able to fulfill this dream of mine, especially while doing what I love: practicing psychology. I can distinctly remember going to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Va with my hall one Spring day and there was a red photo booth, similar to the ones people see in London, and I naturally took a picture of it. While snapping the photo, I said to myself, one day I'll go there--one day I'll go to London and take a picture of the real thing. To be quite honest, I never would have imagined that it would entail with me moving there, setting up residence there. I suppose that's why people say you really can't plan for life because there are many times where life surprises you. Although the journey was hard and difficult, the end result is satisfactory, I would say. Even when I think to myself, Wow, I'll be moving to London soon, I can't help but be overcome with immense gratitude. Without the help of God guiding me in the right direction, I wouldn't be where I am presently. When I would be extremely anxious that I'm not cut out for this or that I can do it, it was then that I felt His kind embrace and heard Him silent my fears. So while people see it as an exciting move, I see it as a fruit of God's goodness and faithfulness. He promised that He would be with me, and I trust that He will stay true to His Word, regardless of where I am in the world.
{ photo credit: tumblr }
This brings me to the most important part of this blog post: what I have learned. As much as I like to recollect what I've done, it would void of meaning if it didn't produce a meaningful experience or memory. To be honest, I'm glad that I'm done with university, particularly this school year, because it started so shitty, that I couldn't wait for it to end. I was pleasantly surprised that things started to look up in the spring semester. Yet, that is what life comprises of: several rainy or stormy days, but once the rain clears and the sun shines, the plains look replenished and the sight is that much more beautiful. During the past 4 years, I've learned that I'm going to make mistakes, and I have to learn to accept that, because that means that I'm human and I'm on a constant journey of learning. Just because I've mucked it up or screwed something up shouldn't stop me from moving forward. Learn to move on and forgive myself and keep moving forward. It is all part of the experience (no matter how painful or gritty is it). On the same token, I've learned to dream. I've dared to dream and do things. I never would have thought that I would live in Europe, yet my massive map of Europe that I bought from Barnes & Nobles with several colour-assigned wall tacks reminded me that I would see the places I've dreamt about seeing. I would eventually go to Paris, to Rome, to Barcelona, to Zakynthos, and to all the cities I've marked on my map. Without even knowing, I was dreaming with my eyes open, making my aspirations come true. People underestimated my ambition to go to university in the States, yet here I am, with a degree from a renowned university in Virginia. Regardless of what people say or how they discourage your dream, do not let them. Your dreams are valuable and precious and you are worthy of making them come true. So dream big. Live big. Love big.
{photo credit: Tammy Hoang Photography}
These past 4 years, with its ups and pitiful lows, with heartbreak and sorrow, with happiness and joy, I have ultimately learned how to love myself. I am not my own worst enemy, nor am I bound to fail. Everyone is capable of achieving their highest potential, but sometimes, it requires a little push from people who see something in us that we are not capable of perceiving yet. So allow yourself to grow. Life is indeed an adventure because you never knew where you might end up or the people you'll end up meeting! It does make living rich, though. So do something daring, something you've always wanted to do. Do it for you.
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